All my life, I have been waiting. Waiting to be a better figure skater, waiting to get my SAT scores back, waiting to go to college. But now that my waiting time is over, and it’s time to start living, I don’t know where to start. At my age, apparently the whole world is my oyster. I don’t know how to change the oyster into a pearl, I’m just 19 years old. I’m terrified of living. We’re all so used to waiting, waiting for a web page to load, or a suitor to arrive in your driveway, or to hear back from that job you wanted. I thought that waiting was just something you do before you can start on something you’ve been hoping for your whole life. But with me, now that I am ready to do that, I don’t want to start. I long for the days when I could be safely back at my high school, in classes with my best friends, and safe at my parents’ house. Things aren’t that much different now being in college: I still go to class, I have friends, I’m in a safe dorm…but it isn’t the way it used to be and that absolutely frightens me and turns my new, flipchart worthy dreams to stone.
I am a perfectionist, afraid to take risks or make mistakes, but I never thought I’d be this afraid to move forward for fear of messing up. I don’t know what exactly is keeping me scared of every single mundane day, but it strikes me down in the worst possible times and renders me unable to think properly. Some may say it’s a mental disorder, but I prefer to think of it as the middle class post-adolescent problem.
We all go through this phase where we are uncertain of our lives, some feel this longer than others, and some more prominent. But it should never keep us from following our dreams. Even if we have to live out the boring, mundane, lame activities first, we will eventually get where we’re needed. And then we’ll realize that this whole time we’ve been, not waiting, but preparing for this moment in our lives.
I hope you find this moment sooner than later, but more importantly, I hope you just simply find it. And do something with it. That isn’t too much to ask.
P.S. Thank you for allowing me to write out my negative thoughts. I promise I won’t always be this down in the dumps. Keep sparkling!